UK DAILY MAIL LETTER OF THE YEAR

[THIS IS REAL]


The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children, Benjamin and Ofelia, a packet of Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionary. It was only after I was leaving the check-out that I noticed the appalling illustration on the packaging. This consists of a lemon and a lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid and distasteful expression on his face.

I demanded to see the shop manager and during a heated exchange my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park. I was told to register my complaint with the manufacturer.

I'm glad I spotted this before my young children, who are both very sensitive. My wife and I have always tried to maintain their innocence -- and to think our years of careful parenting could have been wrecked by, of all things, a sweet wrapper makes me livid.

I received a reply from the company saying that the wrapper design had been introduced in Germany in 2002 with a view to making fruit figures more modern and lively to better appeal to the consumer.

It said: At no point was it intended to create sexual images. It had been shown to a number of children and adults of different age groups, none of whom has made any comments referring to sexual content.

I consider this response less than satisfactory. As a member of our local church, I'm now urging other members of our flock to boycott Haribo products until this illustration is removed.

Simon Simpkins, Pontefract, West Yorks.



So, where did we go wrong as a species?

Also, how awesome is the phrase 'CARNAL ENCOUNTER'?

WHY MARCUS NEEDS TO WIN BIG BROTHER 2009

Big Brother is dying. A combination of Brighter Picture's/Endemol's production woes coupled with Channel 4's reluctance to broadcast anything which may cause offence on a show centering around the concept of offence have come together to give the grand daddy of all Reality TV shows it's very own shower arse rape. Now all that remains is for the show to bite the curb.

This morning, Channel 4 announced they would not be renewing their one hundred million plus contract with Endemol to produce the Dutch franchised summer Daily Star fixture after next year's Big Brother 11. They cited reasons in the context of damage control, amongst them being that they simply wanted to move on and continue to provide new television programs to stimulate the collective minds of the nation.

If you think this is anything other than a ratings issue, you may as well take your ball and go home. Any television station that broadcasts Jack Whitehall's face, Jack Whitehall's voice, and Jack Whitehall's ricoculous Topman wardrobe does not have our advancement as a species at heart.

The ironic thing is, at 2.5 million a night on average, Big Brother is still one of Channel 4's most highest rated shows. Daily. At a fraction of the cost it takes to create a drama that delivers the same ratings ONCE a week. But the show is finding little excitement these days. The build up was appaling, the ten year old subliminal advertising campaign was appaling and the format faced little tweaks and almost zero mid week live twist extravaganzas this series. A series that should have been hallmarked by an approach simmilar to a traditional Family Guy episode.

That is : Lets throw shit at a wall. And fast. And lets make the wall sticky. And lets see how much of it sticks. Go. For. Broke.

That being said, most Big Brother afficianados/overweight divorcee's/jobless pot smokers would argue that it has been a cracking series. And it has. The house is full of cunts. This makes it incredibly entertaining for those who want to watch, but incredibly difficult for the casual audience to gain an interest.

One of the highlights of this series has been comic book fanatic, faux cool guy and window fitter Marcus Akin. A man who should win the series because he understands EXACTLY what is happening. Not only is he entertaining in his own right for blatantly having the balls, and presumably the cock, to have a wank on national television and BRAG about it, but he knows the show is going down the shitter. He knows he is in the house with a bunch of fake cunts who fail to see this, and he KNOWS the very house he is in is a boring house [it's not] that is being watched by roughly half the audience Big Brother used to get [it is].

Marcus is the most nominated housemate in the history of Big Brother in the UK, receving 46 nominations in total, 1 more than Freddie in the same series. And he calls himself the 'irrepressible dark horse'. THE IRREPRESSIBLE DARK HORSE!, Enough said. There is your winner on a silver fucking platter.


And in an age where Creme Egg Jade Goody passed away shortly before the show did, a long, painful process that started with a race row in the 2007 Celebrity edition of the show, Marcus has been the voice of the anti-PC in a PC house. And once, he spoke about how he beat up John Bradshaw Layfield, wrestling champion, in a dream. He did. He really fucking did.

Now pick up the phone and vote for him, brothers and sisters.

I HATE GRAND THEFT AUTO IV

I hate Grand Theft Auto IV. It has to be said here, as well as in the title, for maximum effect and damage radius infliction. They say not to judge a book by it's cover. Likewise, please do not judge this article, or more to the point, it's writter, by the title. Well, actualy, do, if your judgement is ''Wow, this guy really, really hates Grand Theft Auto IV'' because my friend you would be, or will be, or have been absoloutely, one hundred per cent, tip of the fucking top, knock off the fucking block RIGHT in that said judgement.

It matters not how good Grand Theft Auto IV looks. It matters not how Grand Theft Auto IV plays out. It matters not what the characters are like. It matters not how many Burger Shots or Cluckin' Bell Chickens you can shoot up with two Uzi's [good luck with that, there are no double wielding of Uzi's in this game] when your mate waits to act as a getaway driver in online, multiplayer freeplay. No. All these things matter utterly butterly jack shit when measured up to how Grand Theft Auto IV feels. How it moves. How it plays. How it ejaculates it's virtual semen into your pleasure receptors in that head of yours.

Grand Theft Auto IV feels like shit. Grand Theft Auto IV plays like shit. Grand Theft Auto IV is Grand Theft Auto III, with slightly more features, a pension, a zimmer frame and a godamn chest infection, brought on by the rapid onset of gaming AIDS. I know my opinion is not fact here, but how so many of you manage to PLAY it and LIKE it absoloutely fucking astounds me, hence the nature of my sardonic tone and the very writting of this here abhorent article.

GTA IV was one of the most hyped games ever. Right up there with Final Fantasy VII, Metal Gear Solid 2, and Mario Party 8. Rockstar would deliver. We knew it. It was not a case of ''this is sure to be one of the greatest games of all time''. Sure to be? Take your sure to be and shove it up your hypercritical, sure to be ass. The game was a long time in the making, as we were drip fed with tales of supporting characters [Liberty City Stories, a better game than GTA IV] and a reluctant black pseudo goodguy with a horrible dress sense [Vice City Stories, a better game than GTA IV]. The game was massively hyped because it was the turning over of a new leaf, heralding the death of the GTA III universe of games and the arrival of the GTA IV universe of games. On two next generation systems. Online. In glorious HD.

Upon release the game was met with universal acclaim and everybody not named Jack Thompson was willingly opening there wallet, sick day unused excuse database, and sense of morality to play, love and demolish the game of the fucking decade. I was amongst that crowd. Then things changed. Things changed amazingly fast. Things that shook me to the core, had me questioning my own self worth as a gamer and overall opinion of the world we live in and life in general. However through the medium of such social interaction tools as Google I soon discovered that I was not alone. A lot of people, like me, loved the everloving shit out of GTA IV, got to the second island, suddenly felt interest slipping away, then BAM!

And what a 'BAM!' it was. Nothing at all like Margera.

You see, Niko Bellic moves like a fucking tank. Niko Bellic moves with all the grace of a Resident Evil character with a wooden leg, a bruised ballbag, and the neck of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Even when running, this super duper 'realistic' game system renders Niko to tears as he stumbles around like a drunk man on a carousel, looking for his contact lenses and getting pelted with ice cream cones by unruly kids. Niko turns like a plane in the sky would turn, falls over dustbins and street curbs, and looks far too small and, well, realistic in proportion to the rest of the world.

But never mind the running. You wont be running without the aid of pressing down a button. No, Niko walks by default. And I aint talking about no coked up pimp swagger, I am talking about a very, very slow walk simmilar to the walk a turtle on it's deathbed might muster up to shag his turtle wife one last bittersweet time before the coked up, pimp turtle employs her for her assets, service and commitment to customer care. I have to hold down a button to walk. All the time. Except in multiplayer. I have not done that since Final Fantasy VII in NINETEEN NINTEY FUCKING SEVEN. But do you know what? Final Fantasy VII was not a pick up and play, action packed fast paced crime romp. No. It was fucking awesome in it's own way and future 'sequels' would have you running by default. Squaresoft did not allow you to run in a previous installment and have you walking along by default in the next game. Why? Because thats called GOING FUCKING BACKWARDS!

And going backwards knows no speed. Now then.

Cars. And not the good kind, featuring a certain Gary Numan, no. GTA IV's cars handle like crap. It is impossible, not skill related, but flat out IMPOSSIBLE to make some turns at some speeds some missions require without crashing and flopping about the place into indestructible trees [what happened to the fetish for realism?] like a fucking day tripper walking on a floor made entirely of some sort of jelly. Can I just leave it at that? Sure, you get used to how horrible it all is, but if you think GTA IV's car handling is an improvement, your a dirty liar with a fetish for realism. For more info, see the indestructible trees. Fuck you.

It all goes back to that one word. Realism.

I dont want my games to be realistic. Especially not a game centering around the concept of going on killing sprees without a national lockdown or padded cell time in sight. Games for me are a breakaway from reality, into the world of fiction. A world that feeds an unlimited imagination to be used in reality to write articles such as this and so on. Even the realistic Liberty City is shit. I said it. Come on, folks, how many colors do you think actualy exist in the map. Four? How many of them are not shades of brown or grey? How annoying are the twisy, uninspired streets? The ones you navigate like an Owen Hart Piledriver victim? The lack of fun, open space areas to fuck around in like San Andreas? And that fucking TICKET BOOTH you ALWAYS crash through to get a one star wanted level. The wanted level system which revolves around you trying to outrun a fucking RED CIRCLE.

The side missions are boring. Realistic, too. Nothing like bowling after blowing up a fucking police car. The phone system is a mess. And yes, you can switch it to sleep mode, but thats missing the point. It's very existence, that of the whole socialising system, sucks a cock of disinterest. My cock of disinterest. The clothes Niko can choose between are something straight from a Salvation Army warehouse. Gone are the choices. Gone are the hairstyles. Gone are the tattoos. This is Rockstars NYC story, damnit, and you will play as ROCKSTARS shitty anti hero the way ROCKSTAR want you to. That goes against the very idea of an open world game.

And what a rubbish anti hero he is, too. A chip on the shoulder Eastern European stereotype who wants to set things right and be a goodguy, with the handicap being he took the starring role in a game where doing horrible things to both good and horrible people sort of takes center stage. The same can be said of Carl Johnson, sure, but his ethos, his story, his style, it was your's. It was not scripted in advance and shoved down your face. The rest of the characters are largely unmemorable. Vlad is a humorous feller, as is Brucie, as is Little Jacob, if only for the whole 420 thing I can laugh at when I play the game stoned. Something I never do because I like to play fun games when I am stoned. Because being stoned is fun and it's a synchronicity issue.

Roman makes me want to eat my hands to prevent me from walking into another cutscene he partakes in. The Russian gangsters are generic as generic can be. And who else have we? I dont know because I genuinly have forgotten them. That black overweight drug dealer, the Irish dude, somebody else. Who cares. They are all boring, ordinary criminals. No Truth, no Wu-Zi, no Luigi, heck no Kenji, even. Kenji kicks ass, dont deny it. The radio stations are shorter than before, it seems, especially the chat stations, which are the most unfuny in the games history [the ENTIRE comedy angle in the game is anti-republicanism]. Even the great Lazlow sucks a fuck in this game, being a largely unfunny faux celebrity with a bad temper and a prima donna persona on the station 'Intergrity 2.0'.

And now, friends, I am getting bored. And when I get bored, I smoke dope and play Saints Row 2.